Friday, August 29, 2014

Motherhood is Kicking My Butt

In the short time I've had this blog, I've shared some deeply personal things. I've talked about the birth of my daughter, the trials of my faith, and the truth about my marriage. Most of those posts, while personal, discuss things that have some conclusion. They are in the past or they have in some way been dealt with or handled. I haven't shared much about my current life or feelings on here.

The truth is, I'm having a very hard time right now. I'm having quite possibly one of the most trying times in my life.

 JaiseAnn doesn't sleep. She started sleeping very poorly about six weeks ago and ended up in our bed. That only made things worse. She still wakes every hour, nurses constantly when I'm in bed with her, and often times still can't get comfortable so I find myself taking her out of bed to nurse her to sleep.

I've actually forgotten how to sleep. I don't fall asleep with ease like I used to because I'm waiting for her to wake up.

I miss relaxing with Zach on the couch at night. Now I just wait for her to wake. I miss cuddling with my husband in bed like you wouldn't believe.

So we tried sleep training and it's not for me. I let her cry herself to sleep last night and after falling asleep, she woke up 40 minutes later. I couldn't bring myself to make her cry again.

So Zach and I discussed it and we are going to play it  by ear with her in our bed for a while. He gave me a very good blessing and I really plan to use some of the advice that was in that blessing. But she's in our bed.

She also takes all of her naps in her Ergo on me. It's the only way I can get her to sleep--because here's the main problem--JaiseAnn does not get "drowsy." I have played with sleep schedules for months now and I still have yet to see my daughter get drowsy. She gets cranky and then she wakes right back up. She doesn't get sleepy. She doesn't understand the concept of sleep.

When I read something or here someone say, "After I put _______ down for a nap." I wonder in amazement about how it would be to just put a baby down and have them nap. JaiseAnn would wake up immediately  (and not go back to sleep) or sleep at a maximum of forty minutes.

I am at a loss of what to do. I feel like we can revisit sleep training later if necessary. When she's getting more food during the day. She's on the lower end of the weight scale and I want her to really be eating before I try again, if I try again.

She's not taking solid foods at all right now. She will maybe get one piece of something in her mouth at a session, but she's still showing very little interest. She also refuses a bottle.

On top of that, she doesn't like to be away from me. She doesn't really take to other people which makes me sad. I want her to enjoy everyone. Her blessing on her blessing day stated that she would be "a friend to everyone."

School started last week and I suppose that's been a major reality check for me. I'm not teaching. I'm not going to school. I'm home with JaiseAnn working from a computer. And I'm going to just be very honest here--I'm lonely. I am desperately craving human interaction. 

In order for me to be home with JaiseAnn, Zach works nearly sixty hours a week. It makes for long days (sometimes stressful days) and very little time with my husband. I miss him.

I haven't felt like this the whole time, but the longer this major sleep problem has gone on, the worse I get.

I start to panic and feel trapped. I don't see it ever getting better. I don't see her ever being more independent. I don't see myself ever getting a night of sleep again. I can't even imagine the hell that will be weaning when we decide it's time. The future feels so far away and so impossible at the same time. The present is like a fog.

I have a hard time being away from JaiseAnn. My best friend put it perfectly when she said that it still feels like they are a part of you and being away from them is almost disorienting. I couldn't have said it better.

The fact that JaiseAnn and I spend so much time together makes it hard for us to be apart. If I have a hard time being away from her, she's probably having an even harder time being away from me. How do I deal with that?

How do I deal with any of this?

I would honestly love to hear any of your stories, advice, and I'd most certainly appreciate your prayers.

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