Wednesday, February 11, 2015

Confessions of Confident Women: How Confidence Affects My Marriage

 I was talking with a friend a while back and she mentioned feeling less-than-desirable when she was with her husband intimately. She struggled to feel good and comfortable in her own skin and it was causing some issues in her marriage and was only further affecting her already low self-esteem. She asked me if I felt that way as well. While I wanted to agree with her and tell her I had experienced those same thoughts and feelings and that they had affected me in similar ways at different times. I coudn't. Not completely, at least.

My marriage is definitely affected by my insecurities at times. Sometimes it is greatly affected by my insecurities. It doesn't, however, affect me in a physical way with Zach. I'm not sure why, but I am comfortable in my own skin around him enough that it doesn't inhibit me in any way there..

But we have had our fair share of issues when I'm feeling less than confident.

how to feel confident with your spouse

When I'm Lacking Confidence:

*I pick myself apart--from the littlest things to the bigger things. I tend to take that out on everything and everyone else--I pick apart our house, our schedules, our down time, our lifestyle, my dog, and my husband. I complain a lot and I find more flaws than good. 

*I am busy finding flaws and trying to think through how to fix ALL OF THEM at once. My brain feels overwhelmed and I am short and impatient.

*When I am feeling insecure, I want compliments. My love language suddenly changes to Words of Affirmation and I want them at the exact moment I feel I need or deserve them. When Zach doesn't deliver I suddenly magnify things and decide that he doesn't make me feel loved or valued, and he doesn't find me attractive.

Yes. When I am not feeling good about me, I'm not happy and it can get crazy and tense in our home. I usually know that I need to do the things that personally bring me peace and help me feel confident (For me those things are: clean up my eating, exercise, try to look nice, and take time for myself.)

When I am Confident:
*I still know that I have flaws, but I'm also aware of the good things about me--inside and out. I am not overwhelmed by the changes that I need to make. I feel that I see myself more clearly and I have more hope and excitement about the future and reaching goals. In turn, I see Zach for his strengths and abilities and all that he does. I see our house as a home and I treat myself and everyone in my home much better.

*The flaws and changes I need to make don't cloud my mind. I am more productive. I create a plan of action, I pray, I work hard, and I keep my focus on the future and meeting those goals. I am able to imagine success and feel good about it. I feel more at peace.

*I still like compliments, I won't lie. But I can see Zach's gestures as signs of love and I don't feel the need to feel attractive to him as much as just feel beautiful in general. I can get dressed up and come out of the bathroom and even if he doesn't say anything, I still feel good about myself. (Zach's not so great with the compliments, it's just not a strength of his, but I do find that I receive more compliments when I am feeling more confident.)

It's amazing how much confidence plays a role in my home. It affects my attitude and my relationships. When I am not feeling confident things feel like they quickly spiral out of control and I have to recognize the problem quickly and address it. It took me a year after JaiseAnn was born to start addressing my lack of confidence and I know that insecurities played a big role in our marriage after a baby. Things are much better now and I am starting to feel that confidence resurface, I know that they are most definitely related.

Do you notice your relationships change when you are lacking confidence? How do your relationships benefit from increased confidence? What do you do to increase your confidence?

*If you'd like to participate in this series, please comment below or email me at [email protected]

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