Monday, July 27, 2015

I Am the One

A while back JaiseAnn had to have blood drawn. We've had to do this one other time, but this time she was much older and much more aware of what was happening. I was able to hold her in my lap while the medical staff worked as a team to get the blood drawn quickly and as easily as possible. While the draw was happening, JaiseAnn cried. They weren't angry tears and she wasn't trying to angrily break free, they were sad and scared tears. (When you're a mom, you know the difference.) She kept turning her head into my chest and clawing at me to make it better. Before long, tears were streaming down my face as well.While it was sad for me and hard for me as a mom, I was also grateful that I get to be the one.

I get to be the one she seeks for comfort. Motherhood has been an all-around humbling experience, but this reality is one of the most humbling. I'm the person who makes it better.

What an incredible honor and frightening responsiblity.

After the draw was completed,  JaiseAnn rested her head on my chest while she tried to calm her sobs. It is rare that my daughter rests her head on me and I just savored the moment. Sad that she was sad, but so grateful that I am the one she wants.

What a gift and a daily blessing to be the one she reaches for.

I am the one she reaches for to dance in the kitchen after lunch. I'm the one she reaches for after she's gotten hurt and she wants comfort. I am the one she reaches for in the middle of the night, when she's trying to get back to sleep. I am the one who gets to be her entire world.

I think I knew this before I became a mother, but I really didn't understand it. How grateful and honored I am to get to be the one for the most incredible little person I've ever know. Her spirit is strong, her joy is contagious, and she is one special little girl. I've never felt so surely that I'm where I am supposed to be. Being her mom gives me that same comfort and reassurance that she seeks from me--if that makes any sense. 

During the past 18 months there have been many hard times, times when I feel scared or uncertain. Times when I worry too much. Times that I feel frustrated or angry. 
No matter what the feelings, though, I always seem to find my place when I'm doing the mom thing--when I'm being that person for her. When I pick her up to dance, or hold her when she's hurt, or snuggle her in the middle of the night. I find peace in those moments and find that I'm closer to my Heavenly Father. I can hear Him. I know I'm where I'm supposed to be. I know it's all going to be okay. Being her mother offers me the same peace and comfort that I offer her--and that's incredible to me. 

I am the one for her, but she is the one for me.

What parts of motherhood are the most humbling for you?

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