Friday, August 28, 2015

Each Season

At the end of every holiday with JaiseAnn--and even each season--I get  a heavy feeling in my heart. For the longest time I couldn't pinpoint why I felt so blue about it. I mean, I've always gotten end-of-holiday blues--especially anytime it involved time off with Zach only to return to our regularly scheduled programming, but this has been different.

I distinctly remember laying JaiseAnn down for bed after Easter this last year and a wave of sadness ran over me. I feel it now once again as summer comes to a close. I went to pick out some school supplies for my classes this year and I just felt sad. I tried to explain it to Zach, not really sure what to say, and I was able to pinpoint the root of the cause.

This is the only _________ (summer/fall/winter/spring/Easter/Christmas/Halloween/etc.) that I will have with JaiseAnn the way she is right now. The next year will bring a completely different set of memories with a very different little girl. Last summer cannot even compare to this summer--she's so different. And as I say goodbye to this summer, I am all too aware that I hold the memories. 

Will I even remember what our days were like? Will I remember the sound of her little voice? Will I remember the books we read on repeat and how she looked running around the backyard chasing me? Will I remember her smiles during swim lessons and her little stride on our walks? Will I remember enough? 

While I look forward to each new season with my girl--there's so much fun that awaits us--I still wish they'd come a little slower. I wish I had more time to document and savor each moment. I wish I knew what I might forget--so I knew what to spend a little extra time trying to capture. Maybe I'd try a little harder to get that smirk on camera or maybe I'd try harder to find the words to describe the way she acts and the way her personality shines through each day. 

I know that this is nothing new or monumental. Mothers have struggled to accept the speed of their children growing up since the beginning of time. But it's new to me. This sadness is new to me. Before I might be sad when new seasons came but more because I didn't look forward to what was ahead--whether it be returning to work or the dreaded winter months. Now I am sad to see each season pass because I'll never get these days back but I so look forward to the new. 

Motherhood is a constant set of conflicting emotions, but a set of emotions I'm so grateful to experience. My heart has never been more full. 

How do you handle the sadness of time passing and your children growing? 

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